Rintrah Net

of course you are wrong

Rejected Children’s Stories

As a teacher, I try to find new and exciting ways to introduce ideas and topics. I want a story where parents and children can read together and enjoy together. Like the old Sesame Street where there are inside jokes for the adults, and songs and dance for the children. Yet, for some reason, these stories were rejected.

  • Cocks and Balls
    • Chicken’s learn to play soccer
  • Golden Showers and Happy Endings
    • A princess loves to be clean, loves gold and eventually finds her prince
  • Dirty Sanchez
    • A Spanish man learns the importance of good hygeine
  • Donkey Punch (sequel: Donkey Show)
    • A story about a donkey that wants to be in a dog show but he likes to fight
  • Blow Job
    • the Big Bad Wolf and the three pigs try to rob a bank by huffing and puffing
  • Dry Hump
    • a camel that can’t find water
  • Cock Tease
    • A rooster that is a bully
  • Cock Block
    • A rooster learns karate
  • Little Pecker in “Size Doesn’t Matter”
    • a little chicken helps the entire farm

Hart v. Miss Ree

DEFENSE: Good morning ma’am.
MISS REE: Good morning.
DEFENSE: Would you state your name for the record?
MISS REE: My name is Miss Ree.
DEFENSE: Do you know the man sitting at the plaintive table?
MISS REE: Yes, I do. Very well. His name is Hardy H. Hart. We were in a relationship
DEFENSE: What was the nature of your relationship with Mr.Hart?
MISS REE: It was romantic in nature.
DEFENSE: You say it was romantic and, yet, Mr.Hart testified that much of the time it was not romantic or even amorous in any way. How would you respond?
MISS REE: It’s true. He was more affectionate to me than I was toward him. But I did show affection.
DEFENSE: But isn’t it true that he was much more open about his affections for you than you were to him?
MISS REE: Not at all… My feelings for him were always at the forefront…
DEFENSE: Miss Ree, I want to remind you that you are under oath….
MISS REE: I know. My feelings toward him were never hidden. I told him how I felt for him. I did not and do not hide anything from him.
DEFENSE: Miss Ree, Mr.Hart stated that he felt that to him, when looking back at the relationship, you showed just enough affection to hold him close. He claims that you held him in emotional hand-cuffs.
MISS REE: That is an unfair characterization. Any affection I showed him was real and genuine.
DEFENSE: Then why, pray tell, does he claim that you rarely expressed any affection toward him?
MISS REE: Simple, really. I did not feel for him as strongly as he felt for me.
DEFENSE: So you are claiming that you never lied or attempted to mislead him in anyway?
MISS REE: That’s correct.
DEFENSE: Did you ever discuss the future with Mr.Hart?
MISS REE: Yes.
DEFENSE: What types of activities did you discuss?
MISS REE: Vacation, birthdays, holidays, marriage, children, jobs…. The usual, but nothing was decided. It was just fantasy or what-if scenarios.
DEFENSE: But Mr.Hart claims that it was more than that. He claims that even though nothing was determined, it was an implied agreement; a kind of “soft contract”
MISS REE: Yes, but we never said that. We never agreed to anything outside of the fantasy.
DEFENSE: How long were you and Mr.Hart in a relationship?
MISS REE: Almost two years.
DEFENSE: That’s a long time to believe that these discussions were merely fantasy.
MISS REE: Yes, I understand, but we also discussed out mutual uncertainty about the future and lack of desire to actual decide anything at the moment.
DEFENSE: But, do you see how this could be construed as being a kind of agreement or commitment?
MISS REE: I don’t see how. I was clear that I don’t know if our relationship could continue indefinitely.
DEFENSE: Isn’t that a little cruel?
MISS REE: I can see how it could be seen that way. But I did… I do love Mr.Hart. I care about him and I want him to be happy. I thought that there may be a way for us to be happy together. But over time I came to the conclusion that it would be impossible.
DEFENSE: Why would it be impossible?
MISS REE: Don’t get me wrong, I care about him. He is a great friend but I just don’t love him the way he deserves to be loved or the way he loves me.
DEFENSE: So, that is why you broke it off?
MISS REE: I broke it off so that he would be free to find someone who could love him the way he deserves to be loved.
DEFENSE: No further questions, Your Honour.
COURT: Your witness.
PROSECUTION: Good morning Miss Ree.
MISS REE: Good morning.
PROSECUTION: You claim that you care about my client, is that correct?
MISS REE: Yes, I do.
PROSECUTION: Isn’t it true that you had your doubts about the relationship for over a year before you broke it off?
MISS REE: Not exactly….
PROSECUTION: Not exactly? Didn’t you break-up with Mr.Hart over a year prior?
MISS REE: Yes, but….
PROSECUTION: Were the reasons for that break-up the same as now?
MISS REE: Yes, but things had changed….
PROSECUTION: Things changed but then changed back again. Then changed again and again and again….
MISS REE: You have to understand… I care about him. I love him. But there were other things going on.
PROSECUTION: But you always had this underlying feeling that the relationship would end.
MISS REE: No, I didn’t. I wasn’t stringing him along. I’m not a bad person.
PROSECUTION: But you want the relationship to end, but you want to remain friends, isn’t that correct?
MISS REE: Yes, because I….
PROSECUTION: So you care about him, you want to stay close to him, you don’t want to let him go, but yet you don’t want him in your life forever, isn’t that correct?
MISS REE: It’s not like that exactly.
PROSECUTION: Isn’t it true that you have refused most, if not all, of his romantic or sexual advancements?
MISS REE: I didn’t want to send the wrong message.
PROSECUTION: What was the message that you wanted to send?
MISS REE: I want him to know I care and I want him in my life. I just can’t marry him or love him the same way he loves me.
PROSECUTION: Isn’t it true that you hate your job?
DEFENSE: Objection! Relevance?
PROSECUTION: Judge, this will help determine her state of mind.
COURT: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTION: Is it true that you hate your job?
MISS REE: Yes, but I don’t see how….
PROSECUTION: Is it also true that your family isn’t particularly fond of Mr.Hart?
MISS REE: Yes…..
PROSECUTION: Is it also true that your birthday is also in a few weeks?
MISS REE: Yes, but….
PROSECUTION: Do you think it is possible that these things, weighing on your mind, could have, as Mr.Hart put it, caused you to build a wall between the two of you?
MISS REE: I can see why he said that, but I don’t think it is an accurate depiction of me.
PROSECUTION: Would you say that these are parts of the reason why you did end the relationship?
MISS REE: Possibly, part of it.
PROSECUTION: There you have it! She admits that her job, the future, her family, and her birthday are all parts of the reason for the break-down of the relationship. Miss Ree, if that is true, then wouldn’t they also be linked to whether or not you were able to love Mr.Hart as well?
MISS REE: I can see how you would link them together but….
PROSECUTION: Miss Ree, you said yourself that you can’t love Mr.Hart the way you feel he should be loved. That means you know how he should be loved, but yet you are unable to. Why are you unable to love him?
MISS REE: I can love him. I do love him. Just not the way….
PROSECUTION: Just not the way he should be loved. You keep repeating that. Why can’t you love him the way he should be loved?
MISS REE: I don’t know.
PROSECUTION: He is an attractive man, is he not?
MISS REE: He is attractive, yes.
PROSECUTION: He is intelligent and funny, correct?
MISS REE: That is correct.
PROSECUTION: Then why , in god’s name, can’t you love him?
MISS REE: I don’t know. I really don’t know. There is something, I just can’t place it. I can’t put it into words. He is a great guy. He is handsome, smart and funny. Any woman would be lucky to be loved by him, I just can’t reciprocate. Maybe something is wrong with me. Maybe it is just timing. Maybe it is those other things keeping me from being able to love. I don’t know. It is not him. I do love him, just not enough.
PROSECUTION: Miss Ree. One final question. If you could go though with this relationship again, would you?
MISS REE: In a heart-beat. I am better for knowing him.
PROSECUTION: Thank-you ma’am. No further questions your honour.
COURT: You may step down.

Dear Pollen

Hello there. I know that in the past I have ignored you and I never gave you the time of day. I took you for granted. I felt that you did your thing and I did mine. I realize now how important you are. You have made your point perfectly and poignantly clear. And, so, I want to thank-you. I have a new deep, deep respect for all your acheivements. I always enjoyed the fruits of your labours.

I want to apologize. I don’t know if you can tell from the nasally sound of my voice, or my coughs to clear my throat, or even my red-eyes, but I feel horrible. Feeling horrible doesn’t even begin to explain how I feel. I wish we could get along better.

Every day I wake up and want to do my job. I know you are already working, tirelessly and thanklessly, to make the world beautiful and pleasant. You truly are amazing. But I feel there is something you could do differently. My feeling is that you are trying your best but in the process you are forgetting something incredibly important. Maybe you don’t care because you already know that you are important and powerful.

Despite your size, you have changed the world more than once. But you appear to get your kicks out of making people feel miserable. Would it be possible for you to make the world wonderful without making people feel horrible?

Maybe that is the cost of beauty. Maybe equilibrium is a mandatory requirement from the universe. I don’t know. Could you check with your masters, bosses, or peers to see if you could maybe, just a little, lighten up a bit.

Thanks.

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