As a result of the clinical trials I have been taking part in over that past number of years, I have become unable to function without mapping out every detail of my future. I have an extensive database of possible timelines that I have developed and re-developed. One of the side-effects of the tests is my complete lack of inhibition when it comes to speaking the truth. This is true when I talk to other people and myself.

So, as you can see in this timeline that I developed while in the waiting room, in the next year I will be offered a job either here or in a competing bank. I will, within a year, have a nervous breakdown and be hospitalized for about 5 months. During which time one of the doctors from the clinical trials will be attending me. He will, for a short period, have cured me of most of the unwanted effects of the tests. At which point I will return to work for about two years. I will, in that time, be named employee of the month 14 times. The first of which will be the first time that bank has ever awarded it to anybody ever.

After three and a half years, my symptoms will begin to re-surge. And I do mean surge. They will return with a vengeance. I will, for about a year or so, battle with them and I will, for the most part, keep them at bay. However, as we near the 5 year mark, my anxiety about the correctness of this premonition will get the better of me and I will steal a car, lose control and hit a brick wall. While in the hospital, a lawyer will visit me and sue you for willful negligence because of your prior knowledge of this possible situation. Once the case is settled, out of court, I will no longer need to work or take part in the trials any more.

Honest to a Fault

In 5 years I hope to have advanced within the company. This is a great place to work. I don’t know that for sure, but when I Googled it, I found nothing negative about it. I found nothing positive, but that just means that there is nothing so bad that someone felt they needed to mention it. Has anyone ever told you that you look like Pierce Bronsnan? No? Well, I mean, if you didn’t have blonde hair and a red beard, you would look exactly like him. Especially if he bulked up and gained 100 pounds. By bulked up, I mean muscle mass. You are in no way fat or overweight. The term “morbidly obese” gets thrown around alot these days. I hate that. You are not one of those people at all.

In 5 years, I hope to have learned the ropes well enough here that people will look to me for inspiration or if they have any questions. I hope to provide insight into how the organization can run better. Not that it isn’t running like a well tuned machine now. Under your leadership it has been working smoothly. I, by no means, mean to imply that the company is doing poorly now. I just want it to work better. I live to help people and I want to help you and this company. Not that you need help. Gosh no.

Just look at these pictures on your desk of your family on vacation. You definitely don’t need help. Clearly, this picture of you in a speedo shows everything I need to know. Not that I need to know about your speedo or what you have packing in there. No, no, no. But your wife, she definetly knows and you have done quite well for yourself. In five years I hope to have someone like her. Not her, exactly. She is your wife. I would have my own. In five years time, I see myself on that beach.

Desperate to Please

I see myself, in five years time, running an ice-cream shop slash used bookstore slash laundromat slash karaoke bar. I love to mix things together and multitask. Just imagine, singing a song for all my friends as I change loads of laundry. After that I can have myself a mint ice-cream cone and a cold beer while reading a good book.

That is my dream. I understand that it doesn’t really work well into this job, per se. But I consider it a stepping stone. I will, during the day, work here and trade stocks online. And, in the evening fix cars while teaching myself to knit with my feet. I love to work with all my limbs. I taught myself American sign language, with my hands of course. And how to give haircuts using my feet. The other day, while practicing a new hair style on my cousins kid and interpreting a university lecture for a deaf friend, I was also pushed into learning how to do first aid with my feet. The hair cut had to be cut short (pun intended) because, for some unknown reason, my cousin’s kid’s ear had spontaneously become dislodged. I think that is the word for it.

Anyway, in five years I plan to start a barbershop quartet with co-workers here. We will quit and begin touring America and providing mani-pedis for the audience. Also some light dentistry.

Multitasker Extrordinaire

Alright, I don’t need five years. But if you give me five years, I will take it. In five years time I will be running this organization. I will spend the first couple of months learning whose-who of the organization. Then, using that info, I will determine the weak members and will have mapped out the entire power structure of the organization. With that knowledge I will leverage the weaker players and stronger players against each other. I will obtain as much confidential data as possible and find out where the corruption in the organization lies. With this information I will start to blackmail members of the organization and infiltrate the ranks of the different levels within the hierarchy. Certain members will learn to trust me exclusively while others will be scared of me. My power in the organization will continue to grow and I will rise in the ranks from just the nanny and eventually replace your husband.

Way Over-Zealous

To make them marketable, they need to be made more sexy and appealing. With music videos, tv shows, movies, and commercials all selling sex, why not add sex into the rhymes?

Beware, the following does more than just acknowledge the existence of sex.

Jack Be Nimble

Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jill finished with a candle stick

Little Jack Horner

Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner
Eating a Christmas pie
Stuck his thumb
Right up his bum
and said
“Now, who’s been a bad boy?”

Jack Sprat

Jack Sprat could eat no fat
His wife could eat no lean
Betwixt the two of them
they made an awkward fucking machine.

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up a hill
to fuck upon an altar
Jack went down
and fingered the brown
and Jill was filled with laughter

Then up Jack got and off did trot,
his ego slowly mending.
To old Dame Dob,
who rubbed his knob
until they had a happy ending.

The Queen of Hearts

The Queen of Hearts, she loves the Tarts,
All on a summer’s day;
The Knave of Hearts, kidnapped the Tarts,
And banged them straight away.

The King of Hearts Called for the Tarts,
And beat the Knave full sore;
The Knave of Hearts Brought back the Tarts,
And vowed he’d share once more.

Tom, Tom, the piper’s son

Tom, Tom, the piper’s son,
Stole a pig, and away did run,
What he did next,
makes me quite vexed,
It’s in the police report text.

To market, to market, to buy a fat pig.

To market, to market, to buy a fat pig.
Home again, home again, jiggety jig.
To market, to market, to buy a fat hog,
Home again, home again, jiggety jog.
To Internet, To Internet, to upload the scene
Click again, Click again, 1 million views.

Even though the Cancer Group’s success far exceeds any and all expectations, there are still some areas which require further consideration. One key area is it’s wastefulness. In most situations, Cancer renders the environment in which it was active without any further purpose or use for any member of the Organization or even the Collective. While our mission statement does not include any mention of recycling or re-using, we feel that in this age of environmental awareness we should consider these as options. Time management and new initiatives also need to be addressed.

1. Cooperation
   1. Positive:

      Cancer works well with other members of the Organization. In many areas where Cancer has been active many members of the Virus Group have been granted access. Working together with the Virus Group, Cancer has successfully infiltrated many environments as per the Organizations Mission Statement.

   2. Negative:

      While Cancer has granted access to many environments previously inaccessible to other members of the Organization, Cancer has also brought on the ire of the Collective, our rival company, which has chemically neutered and destroyed other groups within the Organization.

2. Creativity and Innovation
   1. Positive:

      Cancer’s spontaneity is a huge asset to the Organization. Cancer has been known to set up shop in certain locales which have been knowingly or unknowingly prepped for admission. At the same time, Cancer has been known to avoid such locales in order to cause confusion from our rival, the Collective. The Collective has for years been trying to destroy the Organization and, with the help of Cancer, the Organization has been able to divide the Collective’s attention and, ultimately, continue to dominate.

      Cancer’s creativity is virtually unmatched. While the Virus Group continues to grow, the Virus Group also continues to meet fierce competition from the Collective. Cancer has not truly felt the brunt of the Collective’s iron and chemical fist.

   2. Negative:

      Cancer, while impressively dominating, still has not reached into many demographics. Unlike Tooth Decay, which has successfully entered into absolutely every demographic worldwide, Cancer still remains weak among the healthy and the young.

      Cancer has remained virtually unchanged from the date of its inception in the Organization. While Common Cold has changed and mutated rather rapidly, Cancer has never felt the need to change. Also, Cancer has never pursued the idea of creating a Communicable Cancer division whereby Cancer could move freely from one environment to another.

3. Goal and Objective Setting
   1. Positive:

      Cancer’s goal of entering new environments through external human-created stimulii such as aerosols and cigarettes has been highly successful. The Objectives that have been set have been obtained and the goals that were set are consistently met.

   2. Negative:

      Despite the Cancer Group’s astonishing success in the past quarter, the creation of new goals and objectives has been completely ignored. It is the feeling of the Organization that the Cancer Group is set in its ways and has made its goals rigid and immovable.

4. Initiative
   1. Positive:

      Due to the modus operandi of the Cancer Group, Cancer, in order to continue to exist, must take initiative in order to gain access to new environments. Due to its non-communicable nature, the Cancer Group must initiate any and all actions and activities itself.

   2. Negative:

      Once again, the issue with the Cancer Group is not that it is unsuccessful. The Cancer Group is highly successful. The issue is in taking initiative and entering new demographics, such as infants or even new regions such as hair or teeth.

5. Problem Solving Skills
   1. Positive:

      Cancer’s ability to solve problems is demonstrable in it’s work against the Collective. Despite increasingly harsh working conditions created by the Collective, Cancer is often able to either continue to exist or forcibly persuade the Collective to remove entire regions from the environment. At times, even with the removal of the original locale in which Cancer opened operations or with decreased operational ability, Cancer has been able to remain active. Albeit this continued activity had a diminished operation ability, Cancer has often been able to grow and expand.

   2. Negative:

      On occasion, Cancer has been unable or unwilling to respond in kind to the attacks and attempts made on it by the Collective. That being said, it may well be noted that this may not, in fact, be entirely the fault of the Cancer Group itself but rather the harshness and inhospitality of the Collective.

6. Teamwork Skills
   1. Positive:

      Cancer continues to work well with members of it’s own group and with members of the the Virus Group. There are situations where Cancer also works together with the Fungi Group and the Bacteria Group.

   2. Negative:

      Generally speaking, Cancer works solitarily. While granting access to other groups, Cancer works in isolation often decimating environments leaving them uninhabitable for members of any of the Organization’s groups.

7. Time Management
   1. Positive:

      The Cancer Group does not perceive time as an obstacle. Time is something the Cancer Group utilizes to ensure that it can continue to grow and expand. In some cases Cancer takes years before it’s activities are visible. This clandestine modal has bode quite well for Cancer in such that by the time the activities have become noticeable, they are irreversible and render the Collective’s counter-strikes powerless.

   2. Negative:

      The Cancer Groups utilization of time works in some instances, but in others it is too quick or too slow. The entire Cancer Group needs to re-evaluate it’s usage of time. If they move too quickly, then the activities appear to be unnecessarily hasty. If, on the other hand, Cancer moves too slowly, then the actions of the Collective may destroy any of the activities the Organization has already attempted.

Recommendations: It is the recommendation of the Organization for the Cancer Group to continue operations. It is also recommended that the Cancer Group investigate new demographics to enter and possibly new regions to set up shop. Our advice is for the Cancer Group to also conduct a study on their time management protocols, as well as conduct a feasibility study on creation of a Communicable Cancer Division.

My greatest strength has got to be my complete and total honesty. I feel like I should mention here, though, that the reason for this is not voluntary honesty. I participated in several clinical trials to pay my way through university. But, as far as I can tell, there is nothing that you need to be concerned about…except the fact that computer screens trigger my narcolepsy. Oh, and that the thought of money makes me sweat profusely. Can I, ummmm, borrow a tissue or a towel?

Yes, I do realize the job I am applying for is as a bank teller. To be honest, hehe, that’s a joke I like to say. I know it’s not funny. But to be honest I must say that I had a friend write my resume for me. He felt that I was far too honest when I wrote it and it looked a little light. He padded it quite a bit. It’s not his fault. He was in the other trial study. I believe he is your next applicant. Anyway, it has been hellish sitting here with the thought of all that money sitting in the vault outside.

So, when can I expect your call with your decision?

Honest to a Fault

Before I answer your question, I just want to say that your tie really does bring out your eyes. My greatest strength is that I am very hard working. In fact some people say that I try too hard. By the way, your hair-piece looks fantastic. Like I was saying, I try hard, too hard maybe and that is a great thing because trying hard is all anyone can ever expect from themselves. And I expect a lot from myself.

I could go on and on about how many things I have done in my life. It has been amazing for me. But not as good as you and this company. I mean, you are at the pinacle of existence. You are a very stately, handsome man. I’m not gay or anything, but if I found men attractive then you would be it for me. But you are attractive. I mean, not to me, but to other people.

Is that a picture of your wife and family? What a beautiful family! Your wife is a knock-out. A solid 10. And your three children. Wow! I must say that you are a lucky man. Being able to go home to that and bang out three wonderful children. She looks like she would be great in the sack. Not that I would know about that, per se. I’ve never met your wife. I wish I could. Not that I would do anything about that. I’m just saying, I don’t know who is luckier, you or your wife.

Wow, it is getting a bit warm in here. I guess what I am trying to say is that I try very hard at everything and maybe I try too hard, I don’t know. What I do know is that I want this job. I really want this job.

Desperate to Please

My strength lies in my ability to multitask while doing virtually anything. I like to watch tv and listen to audio-books at the same time. I put my earphone in my ear and listen to the tv in the other.

Oh my god! The other day I was watching Survivor on tv and listening to a Neil deGrasse Tyson’s book and the weirdest thing happened. As I was watching, listening and ironing my shirts the people on Survivor stopped quarrelling over who to vote off and started discussing whether or not the planet Pluto should be voted out of the solar system. They started arguing about whether it is big enough or whether to call it an asteroid or a dwarf planet. It was really interesting to see something worthwhile on tv for a change.

At any rate, I must have dozed off or something because my favourite shirt now has a burn mark on the back. It’s ok though, it looks fine if I wear a suit jacket. I’m wearing that shirt now, do you want to see? Anywho, so I can multitask. I like joining two activities together, it makes it more fun. I have learned to text without looking, which, as my now ex-girlfriend has told me, was the bane of her existence. Apparently trying to make out with a girl and sexting her at the same time is kind of a turn-off.

Multitasker Extrordinaire

In a word, determination. In another word, relentless. In yet another word, uncompromising. My strength is that I never give up. When I want something I never quit until I get it. When I need something, I try even harder. This job is something I want. This job is something I need. I will keep coming here to get this job, no matter how long it takes. I will get this job. You will give me this job.

I am determined to inspire you. I am perfect for this job. This is a job that is perfect for me and I am perfect for you. There is no one else that could possibly be better suited for this job. I am relentless and I will not give up. Soon, very soon you will realize that you need me and that you want me to have this job as much as I do. I think that very soon, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but very soon you will give me this nanny position.

Way Over-Zealous